Up Yours
2/21/23
What most of you don’t know is that Austin is home to the place that does more colonoscopies in a day than anywhere in the US of A.
That’s where I was this morning at 6:30, actually a few minutes before because my driver Janelle Buchanan is an early-bird-gets-the-worm kind of gal.
We drove north in relatively thin traffic, always a pleasure in today’s Austin, reveling a bit in the calm, but boy howdy did we know we had arrived at the Austin Endoscopy Center. The parking lot was jammed like a Saturday night back in the day at a disco club. Truly hoppin.’
I had to squeeze in a couple more trips to the loo while we waited in the lobby, but I heard the name “Carla” over the speaker, and was irritated, as I am always irritated by being called that but the insurance industry and everyone the fuck else these days insists on your first name so I then have to sweetly add to the whomever “please call me Joy.” I was so cleaned out I was lucky to remember my name and birthday and they drill ya on that a couple times just to make sure they’re looking up the ass of the right person.
But what a merry crew there at Austin Endoscopy. I’ve never seen such a cheerful bunch, and turns out they’re just grateful to be there and not at a hospital. “Understaffed and all,” they say. It is truly the assembly line of innards exploration there and they are proud of it. I was handled just like I was a product on an assembly line. I think a total of six people did something to me. There was a peppy nurse who escorted me into the room where I was instructed to take off everything but my mask and my socks. Then another one when I made a joke about looking at buttholes all day, said “they all look alike.” Then a Dr. somebody the anesthesiologist, then someone who asked me to turn on my side, and assume the position. Finally, the nurse anesthetist who told me she did “18 of these a day,” so I tried to do the mental math of how that added up to over a 100 a day at the center, and finally a literally giddy Dr. Sperber and his team in the procedure room where I remained conscious about one minute and then it was over.
I’m glad someone was driving me home because I couldn’t find my keys (in my pocket) or my purse (at my feet in the car).
If you could skip the prep and go straight into the arms of the happy crew there at Austin Endoscopy, you could almost look forward to the experience. I can imagine a sitcom set there entitled “Up Yours.” Maybe even a musical. Anyway, get yours scheduled!
©2023 Joy Cunningham
